Caged Gray

Sorry about making so many posts all in one day, but it grounds me.  Connects me to the outside world.  Reminds me that it's still out there.  It's been nice to see you all commenting so quickly.  Hopefully that means we're reaching you.  Or it just means that I'm hallucinating worse than I thought.  Or this is purgatory.  I can't think of a worse punishment than being forced to stay with my mother like this.  I just want to let her be buried.

I'm getting off track.

All I want to do in this post is, like I said, start trying to ground myself.  I'm gonna make a list of all the things that are abnormal about this place and work backwards from there.  Maybe there's something important in all of this, like a clue about...something.  I don't know.  At least writing it down will keep it all straight and make it seem less...uncontrollable.  This is all just so out of my control.  And this way if you people know any way to help someone with these...issues...maybe you'll care enough to share.  

1. Walking out either of the doors leads to coming in the other one

2. The Kor and I are in two separate bodies, with identical wounds, but he has red eyes and I have our usual gray

3. When looking out the window all I can see is blackness

4. None of the blood, on us or on my mom appears to be drying

5. When I woke up my computer was here, even though I definitely left it in my room

6. I'm not hearing any static.  The last thing I remember before passing out was the static rising louder than ever but in here it's dead silent.  More silent than it's been since I met Him

7. Blood comes out of the sink instead of water

8. Earlier, not anymore, there was blood leaking from the tops of the walls

I...I think that might be it.  We've had something to eat and we're gonna continue doing research on loops.  If there is a proxy around he or she doesn't seem to be directly threatening us right now, so I think we may be okay to try and sleep.

If I can sleep.

If I can sleep with the smell of so much blood in the air.

I just want to forget that this ever happened.

Back on Korse

I finally pulled Gray away from the computer.  He's in a bad way right now and typing out that nonsense on here isn't going to make him feel better.  Sorry about having so many posts right in a row, but today has been a pretty crazy day.crazya does'nt begina to describe it

GRAY get off me, stop trying to type over me.  I told you you need to calm down.  I'm going to calmly explain what happened since I can't trust you to do that in the state you're inwhyshouldn't I be afterwhatyou did monster what youMOAgnster afmon tster asogh

Okay!  I'm sitting on him.  He left me no other choice, he needs to calm down before coming back on here.  Oh seriously Gray?  Are you crying again?  I thought you were through with that.  Come on...don't be a baby, you know you're way too cute when you cry and I have to focus on other things right now.  All blood streaked and tear stained, please don't try and pretend you're not purposefully trying to distract me ;)

WELL I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED!  The careful viewer may notice a few odd things in our writing.  There are two of us.  And not like there are usually two of us.  I mean that I briefly passed out and when I woke up I saw a copy of myself there and I am The Kor and the other me is Gray and we're two separate physical individuals.  I'm sitting on him right now.

Wait, really?  Gray has just told me that my form of our body has red eyes.  RED EYES!  How fucking sweet is that?  Ooh...I should find a mirror.  BRB! XD

 Gray here...I'm calmed down.  Sorry about those posts, I just...it just...it's been a long day is all.  Like Kor said.  And there's two of us.  Like Kor said.  He's off to check out the GUSY GUYS GUYS guess what you are not going to believe what!  I walked out the door to the hallway to go to the bathroom right?  Yeah.  And instead of getting to the hallway, I come in through the front door!  Wait, what?  That doesn't make any sense.  Any more sense than the fact that we are currently in two separate bodies?  

I've read about this.  I've read about this.  Not the two bodies thing...but the walking through one door and coming in another, I've read about that on blogs before.  I know I have it's just hard to think in here...with the the the t...smeells and I'm getting blood on my keyboard aren't I?

You think about that, love, I'll tell the good people what they missed.  We're clearly going to be here for a while.  Fine.  I'm going to...to try and wash my hands off I guess.

You may all remember from my post yesterday, that today I was going to get my cast off!  Well...you may be able to tell that something didn't exactly go right.  In fact, very little went right!  But the important thing is, everyone who matters is safe and we did indeed get our cast off so mission accomplisGRAY

Fuck guys, Gray just screamed, I thought something had happened.  T-the sink is not...the water it's...blood blood is coming out of the sink instead of water oh God oh God I could lick the blood off for you if you want ;)

.......No thank you.  

Aaaanyway, what happened was that the cannibal bitch kinda caught up with us.  I know!  I thought that there was no way she would find us either!  But that's just life, isn't it?  So she bared her fangs for a bit...tried to exert dominance yadda yadda...took us back home and then got in some kind of a Shakespeare nerd-off competition with Gray.  How the fuck do you know so much Shakespeare anyway, grasshopper?

O it is monstrous!  Monstrous!

Sure...whatever that means.  Well the bitch was spewing lines like crazy and I kinda lost track of shit there, but then she knocked us out and when Gray woke up she'd taken our cast off!  Really appreciate that.  Also had us tied to a chair with copper wire which was less cool, gotta say, but not so bad.  Overall we really got out of it relatively unharmed.  I'd say Big bad monster wasn't all she was cracked up to be.  You're the monster.  Gray, sweetheart, don't treat me so cruelly!  I protected you, didn't I?  You're perfectly saYOU CUT OUT HER TONGUE!  Our mother's tongue MY mother's tongue!  And why?  CAuse your bestfriendcannibal Jess told you to?  Cause you don'tgive a damn about anyonebutYOURSELF?  About you!  Myself is yourself!  If I'm hurt, you're hurt and I would never ever let that happen.  Maybe she meant something to you and I'm sorry you know I am that you had to go through that, but if it was hurt her or risk you being tortured more because I didn't then I will always choose to protect you.  Gray, look at me.  Always.  I will always be the one person in this world who puts you above everyone else.  No one will ever love you like I do.  Like I always have.  You are unharmed and so I don't care what happens to anyone else, myself includedyou always say you love me but if you loved me why would you hurt her she thought it was me she thought i had ripped outher tongue and smil

What an adorable face.  And no one else has ever seen it but me.  Don't tell me that was your first kiss?itsyourfirsttoo idiot wer'e the same personyou're so fucking adorable my little Gray.  Now sit tight and lemme finish the story, hm?  Where was I?

You were killing our mother.

That's not fair, Gray, don't try and twist the facts.  I wasn't the one who ripped off her arm, was I?  Or the one that bit chunks of her flesh out.  And I certainly wasn't the one who took the buzzsaw to the top of her headstopstopstopstopstop

Sorry my love, I was just trying to set your facts straight.  I didn't kill her, the cannibitch did.  You may as well have killed her.  I may as well have killed her.  She died the moment she thought her son was voluntarily cutting out her tongue.  You killed her in that moment.  We did.  I did I killed her I killed her like ikilled my dad when ididn'tstop you. you're mmyresponesiblyity

No Gray, it wasn't you.  It was me, it was big bad Kor, you couldn't stop me if you tried.  You know that.  You're too fragile, delicate little Gray, you never could have done that to your mother.  You know that.  I took the hard part upon myself.  You were asleep, I WANTED you to be asleep, I needed you away from the gore.  You don't need to see the awful things we have to do sometimes.  You sleep and stay safe, Gray, stay pure and sweet and the same as you are now.

If the water isn't working, how can we wash the blood off?

It'll dry soon enough.  We'll figure a way out of here.  Don't you worry, I'll keep you safe.  Besides, we were lucky enough to be trapped in a room with food, so we won't starve.  Did you remember what you had read about this kind of thing?

Oh, right.  It's called a Loop.  Proxies make them, I think.  They're like rips in reality filled with nightmares.  Well this one seems pretty tame as far as nightmares go.  And if a dirty proxy is skulking around here I'll teach him to mess with us.  We also got locked in the room with the knives :)

Look at the mess of words we made.  No one's going to be able to read this junk.  I'm gonna go back and color code us and also delete the garbledy gook where we type over each other, okay?  Sure, whatever, I don't care.  When you're done let's do some research on loops.  Maybe we can find something about how to break out of them.  That sounds good.  

Oh.  Kor kinda forgot the most important part, didn't he?  I'll tell it to you while he's pulling some sandwiches together.  I can't go over by the fridge right now...without a way out of the room there's nowhere to move my mom's body.....

Anyway.  How it ended.  It seemed like it would be a traditional ending, with the strong killing the weak as they usually do.  Jessica had me at knife point and I didn't even care about living really after seeing what happened to my mom.  Then behind her I saw Him, smiling.  Like he always smiles.  And the static in my head?  It was gone.  Blissful silence.  The suddenness of it made it feel like time had stopped.  He reached around her and grabbed me by the shoulders and we somehow...teleported to the other side of the room.  He turned me around to face my mother's corpse and slowly his grip tightened and it burned so painfully and then something touched my head but whether it was a tentacle or a finger or something I couldn't see and then the static was back and I screamed and I don't remember what happened to The Kor but that was when I blacked out.  When I woke up He and Jessica were gone and The Kor and I were in separate bodies.

How's that for mixed messages?  .....Yeah, I'm in no state to try and joke.  Hopefully I'll post again soon.  If these reach someone and we get comments then at least I know we're not dead, right?

I don't feel dead.

iprayed.

I prayed I always prayed always faithful.  Wouldn't God help his loyal faithful always prayed i always prayed to Him to God to Him always prayed always believed in Him.  Always always even when I didn't believe if he loved me i alwayse believe He was He was I prayed I walways prayed.  He couldn't He couldn't want this for His loyal his faithful iprayed he couln't let this happen He wouldn't God wouldn't abandon his loayl his faithyl so I prayed for Him come save me save her if not me cause I'm bad, but I never doubted Him even when I doubted if he loved me whywouldhelovemewhywouldanyoneloveme

therewas so much blood and paina nd sceaming but I prayed and He answered.  I thought GOd wouldn't abandon me, no one could deserve this, I didn't desesrve this even thoug I wonder if he doesn't love me why would he love me but he couldn't let this happen so I prayedi prayed to be saved and where was he where was my God He came He came He came He saved me.  iprayedandHesavedme my GOd HE saved me.  Better than yourGodmongrel.

why couldnt' He save herbut He saved me.  Why why whywouldHesaveme why would He care why would He come when I prayed for God why is there such a thin line between divinepunishment and divineintervention?.  iwishI knew whichone it was so I could cleantheblood off
why are there two of me

no no no no nonoononononononoNOn ONNON NONOONONONONONONONONONO
SN PNONOON
NONO
ONONONONONOONON
NONONONONONONONONO



NONONONONONONONONON NONOINJON OKNOINJONONO

Par for the Korse

So we're finally getting somewhere!  I'm really proud of you guys, look at how helpful you can be when you put your fucking minds to something.  I have a serious lead on Gray's condition, and multiple accounts pointing in the same direction.  Unfortunately those ideas all point to a mountain of shit.  

Apparently Gray's friendly buzzing is Slenderfuckoff himself trying to talk to him.

I can't speak for everyone, but I personally have absolutely no fucking interest in anything that asshole has to say.  Especially if I can't hear it.  Though according to Gray he's not really very strong in the 'communication' department since his mode of 'talking' is more of audible pain.  Then again maybe that's what he was going for.  Who knows.

This shit was annoying, but not that bad, but then Malcolm, you know, Gray's fancy courier friend?  Went and threw about the word HOLLOWED.

I've done my research, I know what that is.  It's like, a mind fuck, and do you know where I live?  IN GRAY'S FUCKING MESSED UP AS SHIT HEAD.  Sure, he lives in my head too, but if he's the one getting the old vacuum clean out then I'm the one that gets kicked.  Fuck that noise....literally.  No one messes with our head, I totally just got it the way I like it!  We take orders from no one.  Being a mindless slave is not my style, so it's not Gray's.

Besides, it's hurting Gray and that's not cool.  Still I was a bit undecided about how to deal with the issue.  Mal suggested running, and by suggested I mean practically shouted at me over email.  Gray and I have obviously been avoiding that option, Gray because he lacks the will to try and doesn't want to leave his mom, and me cause I try to keep him happy and also don't want to starve to death dying on the street.

And then.......this happened.  And this. 

*Siiiiiiiiiiigh*

Can we not get one fucking second to breathe?  Jeez.

Does Gray have some kind of like, I'm-a-weak-pansy-ass pheromone that just attracts psychopaths?  I thought keeping him inside all the time would help the situation but no, he just met more on the internet.  Maybe I should invest in a pair of permanent mittens.

Sooooooooo it's possible that a crazy cannibalistic murderer may be trying to find us for some twisted reason I can't begin to understand, but I'm not too terribly panicked.  First of all, we haven't even put our real names on here let alone our address, so I doubt that she knows how to find us.  She even lost her fancy gang or whatever, so it's not like she has funding or manpower.  She's just having a bitch fit because her stupidity came back to bite her in the ass.

All bark, bitch.  All bark.

But just in case (because I happen to like not being digested) I have decided that it's time to get moving.  It also coincides nicely with not being turned into a mindless proxy drone, so that's a plus.  Gray would probably argue with me on this point, but lucky me, he's a bit tied up with his own eardrums breaking.

Tomorrow we are getting our cast off, isn't that convenient?  Yup, broken arm's all healed, and that's really very useful, it's been annoying as shit.  So tomorrow I'm getting this stupid neon green shit removed from our arm, and then the day after that I'm gonna get my mom to give us a ride into the city claiming I'm gonna have a sleepover with that Courier chick who she was so enamored with when she came over.  Mary or something.  Makes sense that she'd live in the area since we said she "went to our school" and our mom's just so desperate for Gray to make friends, I'm sure she'd jump at him spending time with anyone.  From there it should be a cinch to get to public transportation and once I get that we can be anywhere.  Lucky for me it's winter break, so if I keep in touch with her and have a clever enough excuse, it can be a bit before she realizes something's up.

Out running an aneurysm inducing monster and a whack job with a chip on her shoulder?  Sounds like an average week to me.

Have a super great day!

A Korus of Static

I guess it's up to me to tell you this shit, since apparently Gray isn't going to.  I mean seriously, he made this blog to talk about himself, but when there's shit bothering him it's all 'I don't want to worry them', 'it's not their problem to worry about anyway'.  I mean, fuck kid, if you're gonna vent then VENT.

But he's right about one thing, you assholes aren't going to care.  You could be halfway across the world from him, he isn't expecting you to come and save him.  He isn't expecting you to tell him how to live safely.  He isn't even looking for goddamn advice, all he wants is a little bit of FUCKING PITY and you shits are too self absorbed or whatever to give the poor despairing kid what he wants.

That's what I'm here for, though, by all means, prove to him what I have been telling him all along.  That I'm the only person on this god forsaken planet that cares about him. 

Anyway, it is ME who is always coming here asking for advice.  But since appealing to your good natures seems to not work since you have consistently shown that you couldn't be bothered to try and help a crying child, I will try something else.  Bargaining?  I don't know what the fuck you people want, but just help me help Gray and I'll do something for you.  Please, just act like a fucking human.  He's fifteen, he's curled up in a corner of our mind crying in pain, how can you sit there and NOT help him.  Have a sense of fucking decency.

He says that there's this buzzing, like static in his ears.  It's been around for a while but recently it's been getting louder and more painful.  I don't hear it, so I can't know, but Gray sometimes has to stop and grab his head to try and hold it together.  I took back over to stop him from literally PULLING OUT HIS HAIR.  And apparently he even hears the static while he's inside our head.  But I can't stay here forever, if Mr. Tallfuck comes back I can't be around.

Gray and I decided that earlier, y'know, before he started having TVs turned to full sound in his ears for some reason.  

I don't know what the fuck this is, so I don't know how to fix him.  HELP ME FIX HIM.  He's my precious Gray, I NEED him.  If he breaks I'll blame every FUCKING one of you that didn't save him.

I can't deal with this alone.  

Have a nice day.    

Religious Gray

I wasn't allowed back into my church after I was released from the Hospital.  I guess I should have realized that, seeing as I'm the one who burned it to the ground.  No matter how "cured" I get people won't forget what I've done.  What I am.  Just another barrier between me and Them.  Like I needed another one.

They rebuilt it while I was away.  The parents of the kids who died had a big fundraiser.  They also donated some to mental health research.  To help kids like me, they said.  Victims of circumstance.  There's a statue out front of my dad and the two kids.  A little garden and a plaque.  I don't know what it says, I'm not welcome there.  I pass by it on the bus each morning.  Why do I sit on that side, by the windows?  I think it's some form of penance.  Or self torture.  Every time I see that statue I remember why I deserve to suffer.  But now that The Kor's back he looks at it too.  Each morning we watch it pass by together, and I feel his rage.  He still hates our father.  And it's reminding me that maybe I should hate him too?  But I don't feel any anger.  He's the fire, I'm the smoke.  

He tells me that he would burn that church down again and again if it would save me from our father.

I don't know if I'm thankful for that or scared by it.  A little of both, I suppose.

I believe in God.  But why did He make me broken?  I prayed a lot, in the Hospital, and I asked Him that.  Of course He can't respond.  I just want to know why I'm like this, half a person.  I was whole at first, was it my own weakness that ruined God's creation?  Or was I a failed attempt.  A mistake.  Have you ever thought that maybe this monster that follows us is an agent of The Lord to reclaim those that were never supposed to be born?  I think about that.  It seems like divine punishment.  I know why I would be punished.  I stare the statue down every day with the other half of my soul looking through my eyes.

Today He was there, right beside it.  As if He knew that it was the beginning of my unraveling.  The loose string He will pull on and pull on until I come undone.  I am already halfway broken.  Too many souls in one and yet not enough.  A wrong person.  God's wrecked creation.  Soon to be recalled, broken down into my components and recycled.

Maybe when my souls are in hell, the clay of my body can make something that actually contributes to this world.     

That is what I pray for.

I don't know what I'm writing.  I'm tired and it's late and I shouldn't still be up.  I hope all of your tomorrows are brighter.

Thankful Gray

I'm thankful that even in our darkest hours, humans have the remarkable ability to live.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody, I hope you spent it with someone that you care about, even if those are in short supply for many of us.  I spent it with my mom, like every year.  I don't know any of my extended family if I still have any.  Obviously none of my dad's family ever knew about me and most of my mom's family cut off communications with her when she dropped out of high school to have a child out of wedlock.  They're old fashioned like that, apparently.  That's how my mom always termed it.  But she's too kind to people for her own good.

So my mom and I celebrate alone.  I don't mind.  I love my mom and I never knew what it was like to have any family outside of her, so there's no one to miss.  It means fewer people who I can lose.  That's a good thing, I suppose.  But I don't believe in the saying 'when you hit the bottom there's nowhere to go but up'.  Thinking you're at the bottom just means that you don't have the imagination to figure out how it could be worse.  I have always had a remarkable imagination, and I know that it could always get worse.  So much worse.

We have KFC.  For Thanksgiving, I mean, that's our tradition.  12 piece chicken bucket and mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and coleslaw on the side.  Not quite turkey, but it's ours.  And we're together.  These are the moments I have to keep close for those moments when bad becomes worse, right?  Somebody told me that.  I'm not so jaded that I don't realize that even in the rainstorm that is my life there are things to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for my mom, that's she's the kindest most accepting person I could ever have the luck to live with.  I'm thankful for getting to have a good friend like Malcolm at least once before I die, and I'm thankful that he continues to tell me I'll live.  He's that kind of friend.  I'm thankful that I still have food on my table and a roof over my head.  I'm even thankful for The Kor.  Without him here, I don't think that my mom would ever have heard me laugh in this lifetime again.

I hope that you all have something to be thankful for too.  Try not to be alone over the holidays.  No one should be alone.  But I guess this world doesn't pay much attention to shoulds and should nots.

Have a good night.

Past-Tense Gray

I'm new.  Really really new.  I know people don't generally last long in this situation so it's a pretty continuous cycle of faces, but I've only even heard of Him for a few months.  So I'm not that up to date on all the blogs that are here.

There must be hundreds!  It's incredible and very very sad.  All these people, all doomed or dead already.  So many I've read about and watched disappear, so many I have yet to read.  I am nowhere near done reading all the blogs, or knowing what the current events are of all the people still alive and rolled up in this mess.  I try, I'm working my way through them as fast as I can, and considering that I spend all my time curled up in the corner of my room, I have nothing better to do.

What I'm trying to say is, maybe there's just a logical explanation for this that I was not aware of because I'm out of the loop.  For what you ask?  Well, I get back from being inside my own head to check out my blogger account and see that I have a new follower.

Morningstar.  With that same weird picture of the guy who looks like the Les Miserables cover girl as his avatar.

Morningstar psycho-killer proxy Morningstar.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that at the end of his blog he was kinda...dead?  Isn't he supposed to be dead?  Now, I don't think there is cause for alarm, there's probably a reasonable explanation for all this.  Then again, logic seems to have flown out the window these days.

Why would he follow my blog though?  I'm below a nobody.  I'm nothing he would care about.  I guess this post is more for the general knowledge of it than for any concern on my part.  I'm not worth targeting, especially by someone important enough to bring back from the dead.

I guess that's the public service announcement done.  I'm going to go huddle in the corner of my room rocking back and forth now.  Oh wait, I'm already doing that.

Stay safe everybody.  I'll catch you later. 

A Due DisKorse

Hey Gray, I know you're in there.  I want to make sure that you hear this little conversation, so I'm writing it down for you.  You could sleep through it, but I know that you read this blog so you'll find it when you eventually come back.  I thought it was high time that I had a talk with our mother, so I told her I'm doing homework in the kitchen and will be transcribing our conversation.  Time to learn where we stand.

Her: [Gray] I'm glad we have this time to talk.

*NOTE: About names...we have one of course.  A birth name.  No I am not going to use it, and not even for stupid security reasons like Gray.  The boy who owned that name is gone.  I am not him and Gray is not him, we are two new individuals.  We deserve our own names.  I chose my own, but Gray was stupidly attached to the original.  It wouldn't be fair if he went by it, though, that would make it seem like he was more real than I was.  I am not a figment of his imagination, we are equals.  So I named him Gray.  Seems like I have more right than this uninvolved woman to determine his name.  He wore the mask of that dead boy's name for so long, I thought he'd forget, but look.  He comes on this blog and slips so easily into MY name for him.  You know it's who you truly are, Gray.

So of course in this talk my mom was using THAT name, but since I refuse to say it and she thought that she was talking to the Gray side of us, I will transcribe it as if that's what she said.*

Me: Yeah.  Me too. 

Her: It feels like we never get to talk anymore.  Even though I spend a lot of my time working I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk.  Whenever.

*GAG by the way.  How fucking sappy can she get?  But I need to act like Gray...act like Gray*

Me: Yeah, I know.  I've just been busy with school and stuff.

Her: I'm sure it's a lot of work.  How are those friends you brought over anyway?  Are you making sure Mari is fitting in?  It can be hard moving to a new school.

*The fuck?  Oh, those courier idiots who gave Gray the paint to cover over my beautiful love notes.  Best to change the topic*

Me: Yeah, she's doing fine.  Listen, I wanted to talk to you actually, about that notebook of mine you were reading.

Her: *She noticeably stiffens.  Oh, this is fun!* The...Slenderman ones, was it?  I looked that stuff up on the computer, it doesn't seem like it's appropriate for a boy your age.  Especially not with your condition.

Me: The kids at school are really into it.

Her: I thought you didn't even like that scary stuff.  

Me: It's not all that scary.

Her: Well I think it's awful.  Taking children, tearing people to shreds, chasing people through forests?  Certainly it can't help you sleep at night, living where we are.

Me: *I can't help laughing.  That gets her attention, Gray NEVER laughs.  He's a real downer* I'm not worried about nightmares.

*Ooh, look at her, she's sitting down across from me at the table getting in her 'we're having an intimate and serious talk' pose.  This is bound to be SO much fun*

Her: Do you want to talk about it to someone more...qualified than me?

Me: What, you want to send me back to an asylum?

Her: No, it doesn't have to be that serious.  We could get you set up with a therapist.  I know money's a little tight, but we have enough if it's what you need.  Or you could talk to the guidance counselor at school.

Me: You think I'm crazy.

Her: I think you're still delicate.  That notebook was...disturbing, [Gray].  Please tell me if there's something wrong.  I'm your mother, you can trust me.

Hey hey hey, look who's back?  Yes I feel your sensitive little heart reaching out to your mommy, Gray.  Glad to see you've pulled out of your slump.  Yes it was necessary to talk to her, don't give me that.  Sometimes you have to face problems head on.

Her: [Gray?]

*Whoops, guess I was quiet too long*

Me: I'm really okay mom.  You know I'm a big art geek.  Well I came across this Slenderman stuff and it was really cool looking so I doodled it in class.

Her: I'm glad, [Gray], really I am.  I was worried that you were taking this all a bit too seriously.

Me: It's serious business.

Hee hee, stop panicking Gray, I'm just gonna have a little fun.  Besides, you wouldn't have to worry about whether or not she knew it was real if it was a fact that she knew.

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Have you ever thought what it would be like if He was real?

Her: Don't say such things Gray, you make me worried.

Me: Slenderman out there, taking children, stalking adults.  I've see-

Me: I've seen movies about it.  But personally I find it all silly.  It's just a popular fad, nothing more.  I'm just trying to fit in at school.  Be a normal kid like you always say, mom. 

Yeah, yeah, complain all you want Kor.  I may be weak, but I have the drive to keep you from telling my mom that it's all real.  I can do at least that for her.  So you just cool your head inside for a little bit.  Thanks for breaking me out of that slump.

Mom: You know that you can talk to me about anything, right?  And try and stay away from that gruesome stuff.  I'm sure there are plenty of kids who have other interests that you share to talk with.

Me: Yeah, I'm sure mom.  Listen, I'm going to finish my homework in my room, okay?

Mom: Okay sweetie.  I'm glad we could talk.

Me:  Me too.  I hope we can spend a lot more time together.

So I hugged my mom and now I'm back in my room.  I'm also back in control of my body, that's fun.  The Kor and I are falling into a more regular rhythm.  Used to be we could switch back and forth rapidly, but it seems we're rusty cause it takes more effort now and the switches take more energy.  It's getting easier, though.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  For now it's me.  I don't think I'll be going back to Hakurei Ryuu's blog.  This way I can pretend she lived happily ever after, as if that was possible.

Oh look, it's snowing outside.  I like the snow.  It turns the sky and the ground the same color until the world looks like the inside of a pillowcase.

Catch you on the flip-side.

HaKorei Ryuu

Have you guys heard of this chick?  I suppose you have since she was one of those sages and those were a big thing or something.  I've got to thank her.  But she's probably dead or something, right?  She hasn't posted in a long time.  I don't know and I don't care, it was Gray who was reading her blog.

And then he just stopped reading her blog.  The kid like, curled his consciousness in on itself and refused to keep interacting with the world.  I had been asleep and woke up in control.  He seriously just gave the reins back to me.  Maybe he's learning.  As far as I can tell it was from some positive bullshit post he read on that Ryuu's blog.  He's refusing to talk to me other than to say that he refuses to read that post.  I can feel his little ball of self pity from out here.  Poor thing, he's too reliant on playing the victim to even listen to arguments against it.

Well, that's what I'm here for.  To protect him from anything that hurts him.  And if protecting him means being in control of our body so much the better.  So while I'm here, I'm going to be cleaning up some of the other blemishes on Gray's happiness.

No not Tall Mr. Brain-smash, as much as I'd like to wipe that piece of shit off the face of the planet I think our last run in has made me realize the need for some preparation before dealing with Him.  I'm gonna be keeping a close eye out for him while I'm out and about, last thing I need is to be broken again.  That shit HURT.  I pulled myself back together again, but it took longer than I'd like.  And explaining the randomly broken arm to our mother wasn't a walk in the park either.

SPEAKING OF THAT WOMAN: she is first on my list!  :)  Gray's been worried sick about her getting infected and it is just not good for him.  He's gonna have some kind of aneurysm if he doesn't calm down.  So I'm gonna have a nice intimate chat with her and determine how we can fix that problem.  For Gray <3 

By the way!  It's snowing here.  How pretty.  I love the snow.  Makes everything black and white.  Maybe I'll make a snowman!  I think I'd love snowball fights if I had anyone to play with.  Maybe someday I'll land one right in His big faceless face.  XD

At least I still have my Gray.

Have a nice day!

Memorial Gray

Hi guys.  Been a while, I guess.  I'm still down an arm, so I guess typing hasn't been the top on my list of wants.  But this blog was supposed to be my eulogy, and after my brush with death I don't want to abandon it.  This blog could be the only thing I ever contribute to this world.  Might as well talk about someone actually worth your time, for example, anyone who isn't me.

I'm gonna tell you about Graham.

Graham was twenty when I met him and when he died.  Five years older than me, but we were still the closest in age of everyone in the Hospital.  We were all crazy, but he looked....haunted.  I guess hunted is a better word for it.  He looked like the generic patient you see in horror films about insane asylums, the twitchy kind who look over their shoulder all the time and whisper about people following them.  He was a walking stereotype.

We're not really supposed to know what all the other patients are in for, but everyone kind of hears anyway.  It's hard to describe the community built in one of these places, I've never been to jail, but I'd say it's a softer version of that.  We didn't get much time out of our cells but we all had the same psychiatrists and the same nurses so we had a sense of unity.  Us against them.  But a lot of the guys in there were pretty terrifying, not the kind of people I wanted to hang out with.

So basically what I'm trying to say is it took all of two days for everyone to know that Graham was arrested standing in a pool of blood with a machete, surrounded by body parts, shaking and screaming that they were coming for him.  A walking stereotype, as I mentioned before.

I don't know if he gravitated to me because of the age thing I mentioned earlier, because I certainly never tried to approach him.  I didn't make friends there, I hadn't hardly made more than casual acquaintances in all the time I had been there.  Maybe he was attracted to me because he felt like I was a potential stalked.  Do you think that there are specific people destined to be stalked?  Maybe He guided him to me.  He jumps by infection, so He controls His victims like vehicles to make His way to His preordained victims.  Or maybe it was just me being unlucky.  

Either way, Graham decided to open up to me.  He told me about his whole life, how he had been in college when his friends showed him those videos.  Marble Hornets, I think it was.  I personally have never gotten up the courage to watch them, especially since I went into my research about Him knowing that He was real.  The videos just seem far more terrifying than these blogs.  In writing there are no jump scares.  I'm terrible at jump scares.

Basically, Graham and his friend Tony got infected together, through the videos I guess.  Sometimes he was incoherent, I'm sure some real insanity was mixed in with the Slender stuff that society deemed "insanity", and I didn't think then to ask follow up questions, so the story is patchy.  He and Tony started seeing Him around campus and they fled together.  He talked about finding what I realized later are these blogs, part of what helped me find them, and he read about the strategies you guys have compiled.  They latched on to 'keep moving' and made it their mantra.  They made it almost across the country evading both proxies and the police since their parents sent out missing person reports pretty immediately after they skipped town.  Graham used to get almost calm looking remembering those days.  Sometimes he would forget about telling me his story at all, instead just lapsing into college memories.  Or what his mom looked like.  Or when he met Tony.  Or Liza, who I gathered was some kind of crush though I don't think he ever worked up the courage to ask her out.

They kept each other sane for a pretty long time, Graham and Tony.  It was months before there was any  serious sign of trouble.  They were crashing in an abandoned house and Graham woke up in the middle of the night to see Tony missing from his lookout post.  When he went downstairs he found him, with two other  men all carrying machetes.  At this point Graham gets a bit gibber-y, and so I had to work out most of the story myself.  He just kept repeating the part where he saw them and asked Tony if he'd found more runners.  

"Did you find more runners?" he kept saying over and over until he would start shaking and rocking back and forth.  "I saw him there and I said 'did you find more runners?' and then...and then' and then he'd start screaming or convulsing and the orderlies would sedate him and drag him back to his cell.  With the limited amount of time we had out of our cells to talk, it took most of the months we had together to get past this part.

From what I can gather, He had told Tony that He would protect him and his family if he joined Him.  I wonder how He asks people things like that.  Does He have a voice?  I wonder what it sounds like.  He's never spoken to me.  The trade off was that Tony had to kill Graham.  I don't know how the fight went down, but from the police report it seems that he somehow got one of the machetes and killed all three.  Then he was too freaked out by it to move, and the police had been called about noise disturbances and they found him there.  Crying and covered in blood.

I wonder how many of us end up that way.

I had known Graham a while by the time that he finished his story.  I still thought he was crazy, but it was scary nonetheless.  I had never heard of Slenderman or anything before this.  It was the day after he finished his story that everything came apart.  I have to wonder if He was waiting for the end of the story to do it.  Like Graham had outlived his usefulness once he told it all to me.  Maybe Graham knew that, somewhere in his heart.  That's why he was so reluctant to complete it.  Like he knew that He ruled his life, and all he had left to do was pass on his story and then die.

Our Hospital, you have to understand, was more than a mental institution.  It was for the criminally insane.  This wasn't padded rooms, this was guns and bars.  It would take someone seriously skilled to break into one of our cells.  To break in with a weapon and spend the time tearing someone to pieces.  To then break in to another cell and leave pieces of the first victim.  To make the security cameras in just those two areas fuzz out.  So when Graham showed up that morning as a pile of his own organs there was mass panic.  I was the lucky winner.

I got his right foot.  On my bed.  I woke up to it just being there.  I have never been more terrified in my life.  Even the first time I saw Him.  And I immediately believed everything Graham had said.  It just wasn't possible for a human to do something like that.  Graham had been so sure that he wasn't safe here, that He could still get him, and he was right.  

I was removed from the Hospital and put in protective custody.  I was going to be released soon, anyway.  Since I had received the special message, they assumed that I was next.  I guess they were right.  He came to my new cell.  I saw Him.  But he didn't do anything to me, he just let me know that this was my life now.  What had been Graham was now going to be me.  I knew better than to tell anyone.  They would just lock me up again, and I'd be a sitting duck.  But I also knew that running didn't help.  It hadn't saved Graham.  It won't save me.

There.  I've told his story.  It took forever and my arm hurts.  I'm going to sleep.  

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this.  I'm pretty much damning you with every word I say.  I just have to.  You have to know.  I'm sorry, He's coming, and we'll never be saved."

-Graham Piers    

Failure Gray

So I promised a 'what happened' post and here it is.  But I guess to fully explain all this I should probably start from the actual beginning and explain about The Kor and all of that.  He's here now, in my head, just like old times.  I can hear him when he's awake in there, just like he can hear me if he's in control.  He's asleep now though, which is why I'm posting.  I don't feel like having his commentary on what I'm going to put here.

The Kor is an alternate personality of mine that was formed when I was seven.  My dad wasn't very nice to me for...extenuating reasons.  Most of which were his fault.  I don't want to get into that.  It's hard to type with just one arm and I can see this getting long.  I'll just leave you with this: my mom is 31 and I'm 15.  If my dad was alive he'd be in his 50's.  Do the math.  I didn't even grasp what an asshole he was back then, I just wanted him to come live with the family, help my mom out financially.  My mom refused to blame him.  He wasn't exactly receptive to my criticism.

That was when The Kor was born.  Made?  Whatever.  He took the hardships for me.  We worked well together then.  He just dealt with all the pain that I couldn't handle.  But I didn't realize how far he would go and he burned down my father's church killing him and two of my classmates.  He said that it was to protect me.  I mean, I think he really does believe that he's just trying to help.  But it did land the both of us in a hospital for the criminally insane for eight years of our life.  Where I was cured, I guess, if you consider getting rid of him a cure.  I'm not a hundred percent sure I do.  Either way I was released after he was gone for three years straight.

Though he's back now, that's self-explanatory.  And I have this feeling that He doesn't like him too much.  The Monster I saw through The Kor's eyes was not the Monster that looks at me.  And while The Kor was posting that last time the computer started freaking out and he turned around and The Slenderman was right there behind us, in my room.  I had never seen him that close before.  Though I complain because I'm weak, He hasn't actually done anything to me directly.  Other than the mental stress and the slendersickness, He hadn't done anything.

Well I could never have imagined the fear and pain.  He was not smiling anymore.  He didn't waste a second with staring like he is sometimes prone to do.  Those tentacles were out and then we were across the room hitting the wall left arm first (which is why this message comes slowly through one-handed typing).  I really thought I was going to die there.  The Kor was still screaming insults at Him through the blood he was coughing up and I was screaming for him to stop inside our head and I thought that was it, He was going to end us.  But instead he reached out (God, his arms go on forever, don't they?) and he touched our forehead and I felt The Kor get shot back.  I can't really describe how that feels, but suddenly I was back in control and The Kor was broken or something and I could feel his pain and my head was filled with screaming and I don't know if any of it was mine, but I must have been making some noise because my mom came bursting in and I was crying on the ground with my arm all wrong and surrounded by blood and now I'm in the hospital.

The Kor is slowly pulling himself back together and swearing for all he's worth.  I'm sure he's in a lot of pain, or whatever he could possibly feel, I don't know how we work.  I don't even know if he's what he used to be.  From what I've read being around Slender makes preexisting mental conditions worse.  I guess I'll find out.  Or maybe we won't.  I don't know why I'm alive now, but I am teetering on the brink of losing everything that means anything, and it seems like He takes his prey as despairing as possible.  So I'm not long for this world.

My mom wanted to know if I was being bullied.  She had found some of my notebooks, and she wanted to know if I was adopting this Slenderman stuff to try and cover up for other things.  She started researching about it.  She started researching about it.  I am a failure.  I just wanted her to be safe.  But I guess that we're both going to die painfully now.  I'm a terrible person for thinking that it would be nicer to do it together.  I'm stuck in this hospital for a while.  I'll probably post again.  Or not, if I'm dead.  Either way, I've lost any small amount of hope I had.

There is no way to escape this fate.             

Worse Than Worthless Gray

I'm back. Me. Gray, I mean. If you don't believe me...well I guess then you just don't. There's no way I can convince you, and it's honestly probably not worth the effort it would take. Especially considering how hard it is to type right now for me.


None of you were really all that worried about me, or about The Kor I guess since he was typing when his post cut off, but I'm glad that you didn't. I'm not worth a single passing thought. I'm a terrible person, and everything bad that's going to happen to me is all my fault. It's all because I'm so stupid and useless and completely unable to protect anyone.


One person. That was all I wanted. To save one person. I had no lofty ideas of being any kind of hero, no ambition to help anyone. I just wanted to be a little better than the pile of shit that I always am and I can't even do that! Even when I hide in a corner I still manage to fuck it up somehow. Why can't I have even a little happiness in my life? Am I being punished by God? Can't I just die knowing that I didn't doom anyone else.


My mom knows about it all. All of it. She doesn't believe it but it's only a matter of time. I figure I should tell the whole story, but it's late and I'm tired and my arm hurts and I just want to sleep. Besides, I bet that no one will want to read this blog anymore anyway. I'm just a sinking ship that will bring anyone I love down with me. That's all any of us are. The starting point from which the infection spreads. Every one of His victims represents four more in the future. What will we do when it is too late to stop the sickness?



I don't know what I'm rambling about. It's hard to type with one arm. I'll post more of the story tomorrow. Good night.

Diskoraging much?

Everyone here has been quite rude to me, I think you should apologize. When my dear Gray was posting the comments were all, 'believe in yourself!' and 'I know it's hard, but we're all here for youuu~<3'.


And then I come on and you all barely know me and already you lash out. I have the self-confidence and personal drive to want to try and save myself and my loved ones from a monster, and you're all nothing but discouraging! I thought that this was supposed to be a support network. I figured you'd all be happy that someone else is attempting to learn how to end this thing that plagues all our lives. Just cause you don't think I can do it is no reason to be rude.


Honestly, what the fuck did I do wrong? Have the gall to only be here by taking over Gray's head? WE ARE EVEN PARTS OF THIS BODY. I was trapped inside for three years, don't I deserve to stretch my legs? For all you know, I might be the original personality that was ousted from our collective mind. But no. Not the fucking...exclusive slenderblog community. No room for The Kor, even though all he wants to do is help.


Do you make fun of everyone when they first find out about him? Do you laugh at them and call them monsters when they just say hi and post for the first time? No wonder so many of you are pathetic messes. The people they turn to, thinking they'll find understanding are complete DICKWADS.

You were nice enough to Gray, why am I so

Trapped in a Korner

Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck.  I was at school, you know, just keeping up my fucking appearances for our stupid mom.  Gray seems attached to her for some reason.  She brings us food, I will tolerate her for now.

That is not the point of this.  At the bus stop.  I saw him.  The fucking monster Slenderthing or whatever he's called.  Fuck fuck fuck.    

I don't know what Gray's talking about, that he's smiling.  I felt that thing's gaze on me before I turned around.  He was GLARING.  I have never felt such concentrated hatred and I BURNED THREE PEOPLE ALIVE.  But that thing is evil.

I don't want my Gray anywhere near that creature.  It has no capacity for anything other than destruction.  I am sure.  I have been doing extensive research, and so far it seems that no one has come up with any way to destroy this menace, or even to successfully evade it for very long.  But I won't give up hope.  If I have anything left, it is hope.  I will fight this monster to protect Gray.  I will succeed where no one else has.

People have been getting close.  Or at least coming up with ideas.  Gray has been more than helpful sharing anything he has learned in his time without me.  Except one thing.

Have any of you ever heard of Root Theory?  I've never had this happen before, but Gray has locked away a portion of his mind from me, and I can't access it.  Even when he's sleeping.  I don't know what would cause my love to mistrust me so, I hope no one is blackmailing him.  If they are I will deal with them SEVERELY.  I've only heard of this Root Theory thing because he'd doodled about it all over his notebooks.  I tried FUCKING GOOGLING IT (Sanna), and nothing came up.  When I try and reach into our mind to find out about it, I hit a wall.

So I'm reaching out instead to this benevolent blogging community.  If it can help me save my dearest Gray, then I would appreciate any help that you can give me.

And the sooner I get rid of that monster, the sooner I can close my eyes and not see him glaring at me.  It won't leave my mind.

Have a nice day!

The Kor of the Matter

What?  If Gray can name all his posts in such a self centered manner then so can I.  But mine will be more fun! :)

So anyway, I've been going back through the little thing's blog, and his emails and memories and journals and I have just one thing to say:

WHO IS THIS FUCKING SLENDERMAN GOING AFTER MY PRECIOUS GRAY?!?!?!

He will DIE before he touches a hair on our head.  I knew that mental hospital was bad for him.  They called him crazy, he wasn't crazy.  He was perfect, and now he's got some creepy....thing coming after him for no reason.  Well, maybe it's because he's so cute, but he'd have to get in line for that because I CALLED DIBS.  GRAY IS MINE, BACK OFF SLENDERFUCK.

Would one of you kindly explain to me how I can expunge that waste of space from My Love's head so that he can go back to thinking about important things?  Namely: ME.  He's been spending all his time cowering in fear of something other than me, and I can't take that.  Only I'm allowed to make him scared.

And I'm the only one who gets to see his cute shaking <3

Well, no worries.  If he dares to show his face-less face thing to me I'll BURN IT OFF.

Have a nice day!  XD

Fractured Gray

I feel great. I feel strong. I'm not usually one to have strength. Today I saw Him outside my window, and my initial instinct to panic wasn't there. Instead I felt this warm surge of....something, and then He just vanished. And my slender sickness went with him. I haven't brought it up in a while, but I've been not doing too well dealing with it. But when he vanished it just up and evaporated like some physical impediment leaving my body.

In light of this rare moment of clear-mindedness, I figure it's the best chance I'm going to get to level with you all.

I was putting off telling you about this because....
a) it's terrifying to put your most closely held secrets online where anyone could read them and
b) because some part of me thought that if I didn't talk about it then maybe it would go away.


But it's gotten to the point where my story just becomes confusing without it, and after the visit from Maritza and Jeresy, I feel a bit more secure in my own mind. Living in fear of him coming back isn't going to keep him from returning.


I've referenced several times already having been in a Hospital. That's because I spent a large portion of my life in a mental institution after the formation of a dangerously violent split personality. I had a really hard time as a kid, maybe not worse than now but I was younger. And it was so easy to not have to think about solving my problems, I could just rely on him to take care of them for me.


It's easy to give in to. 

Some part of me does wish he was back so that I wouldn't have to deal with all this Slender stuff on my own. He could deal with it for me. He is very sweet to me, sometimes it makes it hard to remember to hate him. But he hurts people, and I don't want to hurt people. No matter how painless or simple that route would be. 

Wait, guys...that strength in my stomach, something's wrong with it.  It's so hot, and it's getting hotter like i'm onfireeee ohgoodddddddddhicant beathhhhhhhhhhhhhBREATHING. 

I remember that. And fingers, our fingers are doing something, what do we have here? We're typing something. What is this supposed to be? Let's go brain diving!


We have a BLOG? Well that's something I didn't expect to come home to. Well, at least that means I get an audience.


*achem*

Ladies and Gentlemen, our main actor has retaken the staaaaage! Let's have a big round of applause for our hero, THE KOOOOOOOOR!!!!! XDDDD

That's capital “T” The, capital “K” Kor. Don't forget it. Tattoo it on the inside of your eyelids. The Kor. :)

It's been so stuffy trapped in that poor kid's gloomy-ass head for all this time. And things have probably gone to shit without me. Little Gray never could take care of himself, he's lucky I'm here for him.  Those evil doctors thought they were "helping" by cutting me out of his head.  But it's all okay, because I have returned so he never has to be alone anymore.  He's not strong enough to live without me.  We'll make it through this together. Together like we were always meant to be.


He's back in good hands.

I'll have to spend some time fishing through his memories and finding out all of what I missed in my short absence!  I'm sure he didn't get up to anything terribly exciting without me around.  I always have all the fun ideas between us. :)

This is The Kor, saying have a great day! We're going to have SO much fun together! Now, where did I leave my matches?

Candy-Coated-Blue Gray

That's the exact color of paint that I now have spotted all over my skin and clothes.  But I have my window opened and I think the air and sunlight is doing me wonders.

I kinda lied to my mom this morning, saying that I was too sick to go to school.  I don't pull this often, so she let me get away with it.  I think she's just been generally worried about me lately.  I couldn't keep my ever growing despair completely from her notice.  But she didn't press me beyond what I'm comfortable with, after all, she's used to dealing with me being like this.  I've never been the happiest kid.

I'm getting off topic.  I lied to her about being sick so that when she went to work today I could have some time alone in my room with the fresh new can of paint I have acquired!  It was just calling out to be painted with.  Honestly, I've always been kind of an art geek.  I love drawing and painting, and I always have, and that's why there were so many materials around my room to mark up my walls with.  But I just couldn't bear to get rid of them.  It's been a while since I painted consciously.

My walls are about halfway covered, I tell you, it's a very relaxing feeling seeing all those words disappear behind fresh blue paint.  As if they never even existed.  Maybe they never will again.  Maybe it's just a state of mind thing.  And my state of mind has never been clearer.

I feel like myself.

Oh crap, I got paint on my laptop.  That's what I get for breaking to type up a post without washing my hands.  The smell of paint and trees is everywhere.  It's beautiful.  Better get back to work.  Catch you guys later!

Isolated Gray

So much of this experience is spent alone.  It's probably the reason so many of us make blogs.  To reach out to others, feel like we're part of a community.  Feel like we're not going crazy alone inside our own heads.  No offense to any of you, but I still wasn't a hundred percent sure that this wasn't all some crazy invention of my mind.  The blogs and everything, that I'd wake up still surrounded by white padding and doctors who spoke in soft voices.  I mean, there was nothing to say it wasn't true, but after yesterday?  I think I'm ready to believe.

You may remember that I have been expecting some paint.  From Rain or Snow Services.  Well, last night they came.  Jeresy and Maritza showed up at my house.  At my house!  I know that I sent in the request, but a part of me still doubted that it would ever happen.  But it did!  I have the paint in my room right now.  They were worried about being able to pose as my friends from high school cause apparently they're much older than me, but I think that it all was fine.  It all went great.  Surprisingly great, actually.

They showed up in the late afternoon and were very nice to my mom.  I appreciate that guys, if you're reading this.  You'll always be welcome in our home if you're in the area or need a place to crash.  Though my house isn't really on the way to anything.  Still.  You're both welcome.

Miss Maritza was very good at acting, she seemed to have come prepared with an entire fake backstory.  It was very impressive, I honestly wasn't expecting them to care that much.  Or try that hard.  Mr. Jeresy was also very kind, if a bit less talkative.  I could tell they were trying their best to complete their job to the best of their ability.  They were even kind about the state of my room.

My room, as I'm sure anyone reading this has begun to realize, looks like a can of paint exploded all over it.  I don't know if I got across the extent of it, but it certainly doesn't look like anything a sane person would create.  Even the ceiling is nearly black from the layers upon layers of words.  Maritza and Jeresy were the first to see this room besides me.

Maritza told me that she's primarily a psychology focused doctor, and I saw her start to go clinical as soon as she saw my room.  Or maybe that's just how she usually is when she's not putting on an act for my mom.  Malcolm had told me that maybe I should discuss it with her, what I'm going through and she could help me out, but in the end I couldn't do it.  These people were already doing so much for me and there was so little I could give in return, I couldn't ask for more.  They doubtlessly have more important things to worry about than the mental well-being of a soon to be dead kid.  Even still, Miss Maritza gave me her email address without me asking for it.

Humans can be so kind, I couldn't help myself from crying.  I didn't ask, but I guess I assumed that the two of them are hunted, just as I am.  If you are, Maritza, Jeresy, you don't deserve this life.  

My mom made us all dinner, it was the only payment I could offer.  They, especially Jeresy, seemed happy to have it.  It was.....it was wonderful.  My head has never felt clearer.  I got to pretend I had friends.  It certainly made my mom happier, thinking I was beginning to fit in.  I had a really great time.  If I wasn't lying about everything I said in relation to my "friends" it would have been just like I had a normal life.  But I've given up on normalcy.  Nothing will ever be normal again.

But I can let myself have this fleeting moment of it, like a daydream or a passing vision.

They headed out shortly after.  I suppose that meant my daydream was broken.  Back to everyday life now.  I came out of this experience with the paint I needed to slap a temporary bandage over the ugly secrets scrawled out on my walls.  And with a bit of restored faith in humanity.  

Rain or Snow Services is a wonderful company.  I pray that they can bring their help and compassion to many people in need.  God knows they have saved me.  In more ways than just giving me paint.  I hadn't realized how long it's been since I've been able to connect with another person.  Malcolm was there for me when I fell into this world, and now his people have saved me again.  They have brought me hope.  I cannot thank them enough.  

May they be blessed wherever they travel.

And so for the first time in a long time, I believe that tonight I could have good dreams.  Goodnight wherever you are, Miss Maritza, Mr. Jeresy.  Malcolm.  I hope you have good dreams too.