Crafter Gray

I'm scared.  What have I become?  What do I have the capacity of turning into?

It was me, I know for sure now.  I was the one who made that prison out of my house.  I was the one who made blood run down the walls and come out the sink.  I was the one who tore months of my life away in what felt like a single day.

The entire time I was there, all it took was a thought and I would have been free.  All I needed was to picture it and the blood would be gone and the smell would be flowers and my mom's body wouldn't be there.  All I had to do was will it and the front door would open up into my front lawn like it always had and I could have just walked away.

So why didn't it?  Didn't I want it enough?  I thought I did.  I hated every second I was trapped in there.  I wanted to leave with every fiber of myself.  I was sure I did.  More than I wanted the ceiling to come lower and the walls to move in to their rightful position in that messed up room.  Why was it so simple this time when I couldn't even make dead bodies stop continuing to bleed in my last loop?

Why have I still not taken the picture of my mom out of my backpack?

What good is being magic if it came too late to save anyone.  What good is being able to fix things that are broken if it means you are the only one who knows they're broken because you're the only one who hears the screaming?

After learning about my abilities, all I wanted to do was use them.  But now I'm not so sure if that was right.  He is the one breaking reality, He is the one that makes the screaming.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to turn into someone who disfigures what God has created.

I'm not sure what I am.  I used to take comfort in the fact that no matter what I did, I was still human.  Now I'm not sure if I can even say that anymore.

I need to go to sleep.  I didn't sleep all last night, I need to go to sleep.

Ashes to Ashes

I have to say, when all of this began, I didn't expect that being chased and tortured by a monster and its followers would require so much research. It's kinda like school, if the blogs are primary sources of how not to die, and the essay I'm writing determines my fate.  Boy, you really know how to make everything boring, don't you?

Hi guys.  Gray here.  And Kor.  Yes, and Kor and we are rested and researched and ready to face this challenge!  Today's the day we're breaking out of this thing except we don't know what a day for us means in the real world.  For all we know it could be April by this afternoon Well it doesn't matter, Gray.  It doesn't matter what's happening to them, just what's happening to us.  It's not like we're rushing to get anywhere I guess you're right.  We have nothing left.

Oh come on, we've come so far and  you're going to start crying again now?  Listen.  You keep living until you find a new reason to live.  That doesn't make any sense.  No?  Well it's how the world keeps turning.  And if I have to drag you along by force I will.  Reason enough for you?

Fine.

Besides, I don't have to be inside your head to know that this means more to you than just a possible escape route.  You would have done it regardless.  You're that kind of person.

Let's explain the plan, shall we?  Feel free to do the honors, Storm cloud.  Storm cloud?  It fits you!  Should I go back to grasshopper?  Oh no, you like my love, right?

Okay okay okay I take it back just please get off me.  You're getting off topic.  You're getting me off topic!  Gray, just tell the people our marvelous plan.

Fine.  So from our hasty research on loops we found out two possible escape methods that seem to work most times.  Discounting the ones about chanting magic spells cause, excuse me for being a skeptic but magic?  Seriously?  We also discounted the ones about just waiting it out because we have a limited food source and the ones about just believing in yourself hard enough cause honestly that's bigger bullshit than the magic ones.

So possible solution one was find the proxy who's maintaining the loop and kill him so that he can no longer maintain it.  This one was my personal favorite.  But there were several problems, such as the proxy probably being better trained in combat than us and also he appears to be outside the loop, not in here with us.  If we could get outside the loop that would defeat the whole purpose of needing to escape it in the first place.  Yeah, so we went on to alternate plan B.  Which honestly seemed to have the most support going for it in terms of seeming to work consistently.

It was to do something completely crazy, out of character or just not what you would logically do.  Like jumping off a cliff.  Or drinking whiskey.  Or facing your fear.

I think it was Dr. Fracture who, in a comment said that it seemed like our loop was less of a dimension and more a recreation of the moment that we were trapped in it.  The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  Time is crawling by, the blood isn't drying, my cuts aren't even healing and we can't leave this room.  If loops are really partially filled by the thoughts of the person inside (which I'm pretty sure I read somewhere) then it would make sense that...that I was a bit hung up on this moment.  That maybe I still am.

So what we're going to do is break it.  It was my idea.  No, it was my idea.  Well, the whole concept was your plan, but I was the one who came up with using fire!  Well, yes, Kor, that is true.

My thinking is that if we're frozen in this moment, we just have to remove something integral to it and the entire loop will break down.  So...I'm going to accept that my mom is dead.  I'm going to move on and maybe time will too.  And the best way to do that is to lay her to rest.  But...I can't even bury her.  We're in our stupid kitchen.  I wish I could get her a priest or something...This is good enough, Gray.  It's respectful and it's final.  Besides, she wouldn't have wanted a lot of people around or a whole big affair.  You know that.  She's got her boy here.  You meant the world to her.  But before she died...the last thing she saw was us betraying her...cutting, cutting out her That was me, Gray.  Not you.  You never had anything but love for her.  You buried everything inside, even before I was here to support you, for her.  She knows how much you loved her.  I could have run.  I could have run and maybe this would never have happened.  We can't know, Gray.  But you loved her, and I swear on my love for you that one day we'll find that Jessica bitch and I will cut out her tongue just for you.

Let's cremate mom for now.  There's been enough death recently.  I just want to get some rest once we escape.  Anything you want my love.

I...still don't want to put up our last name on here, but I want to say something.  So...

Mary Anne, you were the best mom I could ever want.  This blog was supposed to be my eulogy, but it seems it's turned into yours as well.  I never wanted for that, but then again, I never wanted for any of this.  The demons that I'll have to face as I grow up are different than the ones you struggled with, but thank you for trying to protect me from them.  Thank you for sacrificing everything that you were for me, before I was even born.  I'm sorry I was never anything but a disappointment, sorry that I never did anything but make everything harder for you, sorry that I brought this ending to you.  I hope you rest in peace.

When this is finally all over, I'll join you in heaven.  I promise, mom.  

So, it's time I guess.  If what I've read is true all we have to do is really focus on something in here and it'll appear.  Two spark stones make a fire, right?  Flint and tinder.  You ready?  Are you?  I...think so.  

Okay.  See you guys on the other side.  

Timeless Gray

Um.  Happy New Year I suppose.

That is so strange to say.  I thought...I mean, Jessica found us on December 13th.  I know that.  I know....I guess I don't know.  I don't know anything anymore.  I can't trust anything either.  We can't have been in here more than a couple of hours, but from what I've been reading on other blogs it's been weeks.  Weeks......I guess I missed Christmas.

I hadn't thought I'd live until Christmas when I started this blog.  I told Malcolm that I thought it'd be nice to live until Christmas but now that I have I kinda just feel empty.  Why am I alive?  Did...Did He really save me?  Or was it like Craft said, that I just wasn't important enough to bother killing.  That makes sense.  I mean, what am I?  I'm a rat in a cage.  I'm a worm that lost its heart and still manages to squirm.  Why why why why why.

Sir Fracture suggested that it was the loop maker that saved our lives by putting us in here.  Maybe that's true.  But I can't help but feel like this is some kind of torture.  Trapped in here.  Staring at my mom.  Smelling.....We were going to get a tree.  No, I was going to run.  Kor had decided, had made a plan to run.  We wouldn't have had Christmas together anyway.  Or gotten to watch the ball drop on TV.  And we won't ever again.  Cause that's what dead means.

It was all so easy.  So fast.  So fragile.  I didn't think it'd be that easy to cut through flesh and bone and muscle but it all slides so easily.  It all went so fast.

I'm such an idiot.  Making that list of things that are wrong.  I can't list out what's wrong, everything's wrong.  This world is wrong.  I'm wrong.  This is not my kitchen and the me sleeping over there on the floor is not me and the blood leaking from the walls can't be real and this can't be my life.  Weeks I've been sitting here crying and covered in blood.

I knew we all ended up this way.

I don't know who did this, or why they decided to trap us inside this dimensional box, but whoever it is must hate me.  Or else they would have just let me die.

Merry Christmas.  Happy New Year.  By the time this goes up, I guess it could very well be Valentines Day.  I don't know anymore.  I don't know anything.        

Caged Gray

Sorry about making so many posts all in one day, but it grounds me.  Connects me to the outside world.  Reminds me that it's still out there.  It's been nice to see you all commenting so quickly.  Hopefully that means we're reaching you.  Or it just means that I'm hallucinating worse than I thought.  Or this is purgatory.  I can't think of a worse punishment than being forced to stay with my mother like this.  I just want to let her be buried.

I'm getting off track.

All I want to do in this post is, like I said, start trying to ground myself.  I'm gonna make a list of all the things that are abnormal about this place and work backwards from there.  Maybe there's something important in all of this, like a clue about...something.  I don't know.  At least writing it down will keep it all straight and make it seem less...uncontrollable.  This is all just so out of my control.  And this way if you people know any way to help someone with these...issues...maybe you'll care enough to share.  

1. Walking out either of the doors leads to coming in the other one

2. The Kor and I are in two separate bodies, with identical wounds, but he has red eyes and I have our usual gray

3. When looking out the window all I can see is blackness

4. None of the blood, on us or on my mom appears to be drying

5. When I woke up my computer was here, even though I definitely left it in my room

6. I'm not hearing any static.  The last thing I remember before passing out was the static rising louder than ever but in here it's dead silent.  More silent than it's been since I met Him

7. Blood comes out of the sink instead of water

8. Earlier, not anymore, there was blood leaking from the tops of the walls

I...I think that might be it.  We've had something to eat and we're gonna continue doing research on loops.  If there is a proxy around he or she doesn't seem to be directly threatening us right now, so I think we may be okay to try and sleep.

If I can sleep.

If I can sleep with the smell of so much blood in the air.

I just want to forget that this ever happened.

Back on Korse

I finally pulled Gray away from the computer.  He's in a bad way right now and typing out that nonsense on here isn't going to make him feel better.  Sorry about having so many posts right in a row, but today has been a pretty crazy day.crazya does'nt begina to describe it

GRAY get off me, stop trying to type over me.  I told you you need to calm down.  I'm going to calmly explain what happened since I can't trust you to do that in the state you're inwhyshouldn't I be afterwhatyou did monster what youMOAgnster afmon tster asogh

Okay!  I'm sitting on him.  He left me no other choice, he needs to calm down before coming back on here.  Oh seriously Gray?  Are you crying again?  I thought you were through with that.  Come on...don't be a baby, you know you're way too cute when you cry and I have to focus on other things right now.  All blood streaked and tear stained, please don't try and pretend you're not purposefully trying to distract me ;)

WELL I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED!  The careful viewer may notice a few odd things in our writing.  There are two of us.  And not like there are usually two of us.  I mean that I briefly passed out and when I woke up I saw a copy of myself there and I am The Kor and the other me is Gray and we're two separate physical individuals.  I'm sitting on him right now.

Wait, really?  Gray has just told me that my form of our body has red eyes.  RED EYES!  How fucking sweet is that?  Ooh...I should find a mirror.  BRB! XD

 Gray here...I'm calmed down.  Sorry about those posts, I just...it just...it's been a long day is all.  Like Kor said.  And there's two of us.  Like Kor said.  He's off to check out the GUSY GUYS GUYS guess what you are not going to believe what!  I walked out the door to the hallway to go to the bathroom right?  Yeah.  And instead of getting to the hallway, I come in through the front door!  Wait, what?  That doesn't make any sense.  Any more sense than the fact that we are currently in two separate bodies?  

I've read about this.  I've read about this.  Not the two bodies thing...but the walking through one door and coming in another, I've read about that on blogs before.  I know I have it's just hard to think in here...with the the the t...smeells and I'm getting blood on my keyboard aren't I?

You think about that, love, I'll tell the good people what they missed.  We're clearly going to be here for a while.  Fine.  I'm going to...to try and wash my hands off I guess.

You may all remember from my post yesterday, that today I was going to get my cast off!  Well...you may be able to tell that something didn't exactly go right.  In fact, very little went right!  But the important thing is, everyone who matters is safe and we did indeed get our cast off so mission accomplisGRAY

Fuck guys, Gray just screamed, I thought something had happened.  T-the sink is not...the water it's...blood blood is coming out of the sink instead of water oh God oh God I could lick the blood off for you if you want ;)

.......No thank you.  

Aaaanyway, what happened was that the cannibal bitch kinda caught up with us.  I know!  I thought that there was no way she would find us either!  But that's just life, isn't it?  So she bared her fangs for a bit...tried to exert dominance yadda yadda...took us back home and then got in some kind of a Shakespeare nerd-off competition with Gray.  How the fuck do you know so much Shakespeare anyway, grasshopper?

O it is monstrous!  Monstrous!

Sure...whatever that means.  Well the bitch was spewing lines like crazy and I kinda lost track of shit there, but then she knocked us out and when Gray woke up she'd taken our cast off!  Really appreciate that.  Also had us tied to a chair with copper wire which was less cool, gotta say, but not so bad.  Overall we really got out of it relatively unharmed.  I'd say Big bad monster wasn't all she was cracked up to be.  You're the monster.  Gray, sweetheart, don't treat me so cruelly!  I protected you, didn't I?  You're perfectly saYOU CUT OUT HER TONGUE!  Our mother's tongue MY mother's tongue!  And why?  CAuse your bestfriendcannibal Jess told you to?  Cause you don'tgive a damn about anyonebutYOURSELF?  About you!  Myself is yourself!  If I'm hurt, you're hurt and I would never ever let that happen.  Maybe she meant something to you and I'm sorry you know I am that you had to go through that, but if it was hurt her or risk you being tortured more because I didn't then I will always choose to protect you.  Gray, look at me.  Always.  I will always be the one person in this world who puts you above everyone else.  No one will ever love you like I do.  Like I always have.  You are unharmed and so I don't care what happens to anyone else, myself includedyou always say you love me but if you loved me why would you hurt her she thought it was me she thought i had ripped outher tongue and smil

What an adorable face.  And no one else has ever seen it but me.  Don't tell me that was your first kiss?itsyourfirsttoo idiot wer'e the same personyou're so fucking adorable my little Gray.  Now sit tight and lemme finish the story, hm?  Where was I?

You were killing our mother.

That's not fair, Gray, don't try and twist the facts.  I wasn't the one who ripped off her arm, was I?  Or the one that bit chunks of her flesh out.  And I certainly wasn't the one who took the buzzsaw to the top of her headstopstopstopstopstop

Sorry my love, I was just trying to set your facts straight.  I didn't kill her, the cannibitch did.  You may as well have killed her.  I may as well have killed her.  She died the moment she thought her son was voluntarily cutting out her tongue.  You killed her in that moment.  We did.  I did I killed her I killed her like ikilled my dad when ididn'tstop you. you're mmyresponesiblyity

No Gray, it wasn't you.  It was me, it was big bad Kor, you couldn't stop me if you tried.  You know that.  You're too fragile, delicate little Gray, you never could have done that to your mother.  You know that.  I took the hard part upon myself.  You were asleep, I WANTED you to be asleep, I needed you away from the gore.  You don't need to see the awful things we have to do sometimes.  You sleep and stay safe, Gray, stay pure and sweet and the same as you are now.

If the water isn't working, how can we wash the blood off?

It'll dry soon enough.  We'll figure a way out of here.  Don't you worry, I'll keep you safe.  Besides, we were lucky enough to be trapped in a room with food, so we won't starve.  Did you remember what you had read about this kind of thing?

Oh, right.  It's called a Loop.  Proxies make them, I think.  They're like rips in reality filled with nightmares.  Well this one seems pretty tame as far as nightmares go.  And if a dirty proxy is skulking around here I'll teach him to mess with us.  We also got locked in the room with the knives :)

Look at the mess of words we made.  No one's going to be able to read this junk.  I'm gonna go back and color code us and also delete the garbledy gook where we type over each other, okay?  Sure, whatever, I don't care.  When you're done let's do some research on loops.  Maybe we can find something about how to break out of them.  That sounds good.  

Oh.  Kor kinda forgot the most important part, didn't he?  I'll tell it to you while he's pulling some sandwiches together.  I can't go over by the fridge right now...without a way out of the room there's nowhere to move my mom's body.....

Anyway.  How it ended.  It seemed like it would be a traditional ending, with the strong killing the weak as they usually do.  Jessica had me at knife point and I didn't even care about living really after seeing what happened to my mom.  Then behind her I saw Him, smiling.  Like he always smiles.  And the static in my head?  It was gone.  Blissful silence.  The suddenness of it made it feel like time had stopped.  He reached around her and grabbed me by the shoulders and we somehow...teleported to the other side of the room.  He turned me around to face my mother's corpse and slowly his grip tightened and it burned so painfully and then something touched my head but whether it was a tentacle or a finger or something I couldn't see and then the static was back and I screamed and I don't remember what happened to The Kor but that was when I blacked out.  When I woke up He and Jessica were gone and The Kor and I were in separate bodies.

How's that for mixed messages?  .....Yeah, I'm in no state to try and joke.  Hopefully I'll post again soon.  If these reach someone and we get comments then at least I know we're not dead, right?

I don't feel dead.

Thankful Gray

I'm thankful that even in our darkest hours, humans have the remarkable ability to live.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody, I hope you spent it with someone that you care about, even if those are in short supply for many of us.  I spent it with my mom, like every year.  I don't know any of my extended family if I still have any.  Obviously none of my dad's family ever knew about me and most of my mom's family cut off communications with her when she dropped out of high school to have a child out of wedlock.  They're old fashioned like that, apparently.  That's how my mom always termed it.  But she's too kind to people for her own good.

So my mom and I celebrate alone.  I don't mind.  I love my mom and I never knew what it was like to have any family outside of her, so there's no one to miss.  It means fewer people who I can lose.  That's a good thing, I suppose.  But I don't believe in the saying 'when you hit the bottom there's nowhere to go but up'.  Thinking you're at the bottom just means that you don't have the imagination to figure out how it could be worse.  I have always had a remarkable imagination, and I know that it could always get worse.  So much worse.

We have KFC.  For Thanksgiving, I mean, that's our tradition.  12 piece chicken bucket and mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and coleslaw on the side.  Not quite turkey, but it's ours.  And we're together.  These are the moments I have to keep close for those moments when bad becomes worse, right?  Somebody told me that.  I'm not so jaded that I don't realize that even in the rainstorm that is my life there are things to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for my mom, that's she's the kindest most accepting person I could ever have the luck to live with.  I'm thankful for getting to have a good friend like Malcolm at least once before I die, and I'm thankful that he continues to tell me I'll live.  He's that kind of friend.  I'm thankful that I still have food on my table and a roof over my head.  I'm even thankful for The Kor.  Without him here, I don't think that my mom would ever have heard me laugh in this lifetime again.

I hope that you all have something to be thankful for too.  Try not to be alone over the holidays.  No one should be alone.  But I guess this world doesn't pay much attention to shoulds and should nots.

Have a good night.

A Due DisKorse

Hey Gray, I know you're in there.  I want to make sure that you hear this little conversation, so I'm writing it down for you.  You could sleep through it, but I know that you read this blog so you'll find it when you eventually come back.  I thought it was high time that I had a talk with our mother, so I told her I'm doing homework in the kitchen and will be transcribing our conversation.  Time to learn where we stand.

Her: [Gray] I'm glad we have this time to talk.

*NOTE: About names...we have one of course.  A birth name.  No I am not going to use it, and not even for stupid security reasons like Gray.  The boy who owned that name is gone.  I am not him and Gray is not him, we are two new individuals.  We deserve our own names.  I chose my own, but Gray was stupidly attached to the original.  It wouldn't be fair if he went by it, though, that would make it seem like he was more real than I was.  I am not a figment of his imagination, we are equals.  So I named him Gray.  Seems like I have more right than this uninvolved woman to determine his name.  He wore the mask of that dead boy's name for so long, I thought he'd forget, but look.  He comes on this blog and slips so easily into MY name for him.  You know it's who you truly are, Gray.

So of course in this talk my mom was using THAT name, but since I refuse to say it and she thought that she was talking to the Gray side of us, I will transcribe it as if that's what she said.*

Me: Yeah.  Me too. 

Her: It feels like we never get to talk anymore.  Even though I spend a lot of my time working I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk.  Whenever.

*GAG by the way.  How fucking sappy can she get?  But I need to act like Gray...act like Gray*

Me: Yeah, I know.  I've just been busy with school and stuff.

Her: I'm sure it's a lot of work.  How are those friends you brought over anyway?  Are you making sure Mari is fitting in?  It can be hard moving to a new school.

*The fuck?  Oh, those courier idiots who gave Gray the paint to cover over my beautiful love notes.  Best to change the topic*

Me: Yeah, she's doing fine.  Listen, I wanted to talk to you actually, about that notebook of mine you were reading.

Her: *She noticeably stiffens.  Oh, this is fun!* The...Slenderman ones, was it?  I looked that stuff up on the computer, it doesn't seem like it's appropriate for a boy your age.  Especially not with your condition.

Me: The kids at school are really into it.

Her: I thought you didn't even like that scary stuff.  

Me: It's not all that scary.

Her: Well I think it's awful.  Taking children, tearing people to shreds, chasing people through forests?  Certainly it can't help you sleep at night, living where we are.

Me: *I can't help laughing.  That gets her attention, Gray NEVER laughs.  He's a real downer* I'm not worried about nightmares.

*Ooh, look at her, she's sitting down across from me at the table getting in her 'we're having an intimate and serious talk' pose.  This is bound to be SO much fun*

Her: Do you want to talk about it to someone more...qualified than me?

Me: What, you want to send me back to an asylum?

Her: No, it doesn't have to be that serious.  We could get you set up with a therapist.  I know money's a little tight, but we have enough if it's what you need.  Or you could talk to the guidance counselor at school.

Me: You think I'm crazy.

Her: I think you're still delicate.  That notebook was...disturbing, [Gray].  Please tell me if there's something wrong.  I'm your mother, you can trust me.

Hey hey hey, look who's back?  Yes I feel your sensitive little heart reaching out to your mommy, Gray.  Glad to see you've pulled out of your slump.  Yes it was necessary to talk to her, don't give me that.  Sometimes you have to face problems head on.

Her: [Gray?]

*Whoops, guess I was quiet too long*

Me: I'm really okay mom.  You know I'm a big art geek.  Well I came across this Slenderman stuff and it was really cool looking so I doodled it in class.

Her: I'm glad, [Gray], really I am.  I was worried that you were taking this all a bit too seriously.

Me: It's serious business.

Hee hee, stop panicking Gray, I'm just gonna have a little fun.  Besides, you wouldn't have to worry about whether or not she knew it was real if it was a fact that she knew.

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Have you ever thought what it would be like if He was real?

Her: Don't say such things Gray, you make me worried.

Me: Slenderman out there, taking children, stalking adults.  I've see-

Me: I've seen movies about it.  But personally I find it all silly.  It's just a popular fad, nothing more.  I'm just trying to fit in at school.  Be a normal kid like you always say, mom. 

Yeah, yeah, complain all you want Kor.  I may be weak, but I have the drive to keep you from telling my mom that it's all real.  I can do at least that for her.  So you just cool your head inside for a little bit.  Thanks for breaking me out of that slump.

Mom: You know that you can talk to me about anything, right?  And try and stay away from that gruesome stuff.  I'm sure there are plenty of kids who have other interests that you share to talk with.

Me: Yeah, I'm sure mom.  Listen, I'm going to finish my homework in my room, okay?

Mom: Okay sweetie.  I'm glad we could talk.

Me:  Me too.  I hope we can spend a lot more time together.

So I hugged my mom and now I'm back in my room.  I'm also back in control of my body, that's fun.  The Kor and I are falling into a more regular rhythm.  Used to be we could switch back and forth rapidly, but it seems we're rusty cause it takes more effort now and the switches take more energy.  It's getting easier, though.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  For now it's me.  I don't think I'll be going back to Hakurei Ryuu's blog.  This way I can pretend she lived happily ever after, as if that was possible.

Oh look, it's snowing outside.  I like the snow.  It turns the sky and the ground the same color until the world looks like the inside of a pillowcase.

Catch you on the flip-side.

HaKorei Ryuu

Have you guys heard of this chick?  I suppose you have since she was one of those sages and those were a big thing or something.  I've got to thank her.  But she's probably dead or something, right?  She hasn't posted in a long time.  I don't know and I don't care, it was Gray who was reading her blog.

And then he just stopped reading her blog.  The kid like, curled his consciousness in on itself and refused to keep interacting with the world.  I had been asleep and woke up in control.  He seriously just gave the reins back to me.  Maybe he's learning.  As far as I can tell it was from some positive bullshit post he read on that Ryuu's blog.  He's refusing to talk to me other than to say that he refuses to read that post.  I can feel his little ball of self pity from out here.  Poor thing, he's too reliant on playing the victim to even listen to arguments against it.

Well, that's what I'm here for.  To protect him from anything that hurts him.  And if protecting him means being in control of our body so much the better.  So while I'm here, I'm going to be cleaning up some of the other blemishes on Gray's happiness.

No not Tall Mr. Brain-smash, as much as I'd like to wipe that piece of shit off the face of the planet I think our last run in has made me realize the need for some preparation before dealing with Him.  I'm gonna be keeping a close eye out for him while I'm out and about, last thing I need is to be broken again.  That shit HURT.  I pulled myself back together again, but it took longer than I'd like.  And explaining the randomly broken arm to our mother wasn't a walk in the park either.

SPEAKING OF THAT WOMAN: she is first on my list!  :)  Gray's been worried sick about her getting infected and it is just not good for him.  He's gonna have some kind of aneurysm if he doesn't calm down.  So I'm gonna have a nice intimate chat with her and determine how we can fix that problem.  For Gray <3 

By the way!  It's snowing here.  How pretty.  I love the snow.  Makes everything black and white.  Maybe I'll make a snowman!  I think I'd love snowball fights if I had anyone to play with.  Maybe someday I'll land one right in His big faceless face.  XD

At least I still have my Gray.

Have a nice day!

Failure Gray

So I promised a 'what happened' post and here it is.  But I guess to fully explain all this I should probably start from the actual beginning and explain about The Kor and all of that.  He's here now, in my head, just like old times.  I can hear him when he's awake in there, just like he can hear me if he's in control.  He's asleep now though, which is why I'm posting.  I don't feel like having his commentary on what I'm going to put here.

The Kor is an alternate personality of mine that was formed when I was seven.  My dad wasn't very nice to me for...extenuating reasons.  Most of which were his fault.  I don't want to get into that.  It's hard to type with just one arm and I can see this getting long.  I'll just leave you with this: my mom is 31 and I'm 15.  If my dad was alive he'd be in his 50's.  Do the math.  I didn't even grasp what an asshole he was back then, I just wanted him to come live with the family, help my mom out financially.  My mom refused to blame him.  He wasn't exactly receptive to my criticism.

That was when The Kor was born.  Made?  Whatever.  He took the hardships for me.  We worked well together then.  He just dealt with all the pain that I couldn't handle.  But I didn't realize how far he would go and he burned down my father's church killing him and two of my classmates.  He said that it was to protect me.  I mean, I think he really does believe that he's just trying to help.  But it did land the both of us in a hospital for the criminally insane for eight years of our life.  Where I was cured, I guess, if you consider getting rid of him a cure.  I'm not a hundred percent sure I do.  Either way I was released after he was gone for three years straight.

Though he's back now, that's self-explanatory.  And I have this feeling that He doesn't like him too much.  The Monster I saw through The Kor's eyes was not the Monster that looks at me.  And while The Kor was posting that last time the computer started freaking out and he turned around and The Slenderman was right there behind us, in my room.  I had never seen him that close before.  Though I complain because I'm weak, He hasn't actually done anything to me directly.  Other than the mental stress and the slendersickness, He hadn't done anything.

Well I could never have imagined the fear and pain.  He was not smiling anymore.  He didn't waste a second with staring like he is sometimes prone to do.  Those tentacles were out and then we were across the room hitting the wall left arm first (which is why this message comes slowly through one-handed typing).  I really thought I was going to die there.  The Kor was still screaming insults at Him through the blood he was coughing up and I was screaming for him to stop inside our head and I thought that was it, He was going to end us.  But instead he reached out (God, his arms go on forever, don't they?) and he touched our forehead and I felt The Kor get shot back.  I can't really describe how that feels, but suddenly I was back in control and The Kor was broken or something and I could feel his pain and my head was filled with screaming and I don't know if any of it was mine, but I must have been making some noise because my mom came bursting in and I was crying on the ground with my arm all wrong and surrounded by blood and now I'm in the hospital.

The Kor is slowly pulling himself back together and swearing for all he's worth.  I'm sure he's in a lot of pain, or whatever he could possibly feel, I don't know how we work.  I don't even know if he's what he used to be.  From what I've read being around Slender makes preexisting mental conditions worse.  I guess I'll find out.  Or maybe we won't.  I don't know why I'm alive now, but I am teetering on the brink of losing everything that means anything, and it seems like He takes his prey as despairing as possible.  So I'm not long for this world.

My mom wanted to know if I was being bullied.  She had found some of my notebooks, and she wanted to know if I was adopting this Slenderman stuff to try and cover up for other things.  She started researching about it.  She started researching about it.  I am a failure.  I just wanted her to be safe.  But I guess that we're both going to die painfully now.  I'm a terrible person for thinking that it would be nicer to do it together.  I'm stuck in this hospital for a while.  I'll probably post again.  Or not, if I'm dead.  Either way, I've lost any small amount of hope I had.

There is no way to escape this fate.             

Worse Than Worthless Gray

I'm back. Me. Gray, I mean. If you don't believe me...well I guess then you just don't. There's no way I can convince you, and it's honestly probably not worth the effort it would take. Especially considering how hard it is to type right now for me.


None of you were really all that worried about me, or about The Kor I guess since he was typing when his post cut off, but I'm glad that you didn't. I'm not worth a single passing thought. I'm a terrible person, and everything bad that's going to happen to me is all my fault. It's all because I'm so stupid and useless and completely unable to protect anyone.


One person. That was all I wanted. To save one person. I had no lofty ideas of being any kind of hero, no ambition to help anyone. I just wanted to be a little better than the pile of shit that I always am and I can't even do that! Even when I hide in a corner I still manage to fuck it up somehow. Why can't I have even a little happiness in my life? Am I being punished by God? Can't I just die knowing that I didn't doom anyone else.


My mom knows about it all. All of it. She doesn't believe it but it's only a matter of time. I figure I should tell the whole story, but it's late and I'm tired and my arm hurts and I just want to sleep. Besides, I bet that no one will want to read this blog anymore anyway. I'm just a sinking ship that will bring anyone I love down with me. That's all any of us are. The starting point from which the infection spreads. Every one of His victims represents four more in the future. What will we do when it is too late to stop the sickness?



I don't know what I'm rambling about. It's hard to type with one arm. I'll post more of the story tomorrow. Good night.

Candy-Coated-Blue Gray

That's the exact color of paint that I now have spotted all over my skin and clothes.  But I have my window opened and I think the air and sunlight is doing me wonders.

I kinda lied to my mom this morning, saying that I was too sick to go to school.  I don't pull this often, so she let me get away with it.  I think she's just been generally worried about me lately.  I couldn't keep my ever growing despair completely from her notice.  But she didn't press me beyond what I'm comfortable with, after all, she's used to dealing with me being like this.  I've never been the happiest kid.

I'm getting off topic.  I lied to her about being sick so that when she went to work today I could have some time alone in my room with the fresh new can of paint I have acquired!  It was just calling out to be painted with.  Honestly, I've always been kind of an art geek.  I love drawing and painting, and I always have, and that's why there were so many materials around my room to mark up my walls with.  But I just couldn't bear to get rid of them.  It's been a while since I painted consciously.

My walls are about halfway covered, I tell you, it's a very relaxing feeling seeing all those words disappear behind fresh blue paint.  As if they never even existed.  Maybe they never will again.  Maybe it's just a state of mind thing.  And my state of mind has never been clearer.

I feel like myself.

Oh crap, I got paint on my laptop.  That's what I get for breaking to type up a post without washing my hands.  The smell of paint and trees is everywhere.  It's beautiful.  Better get back to work.  Catch you guys later!

Ash Gray

I doubt anyone noticed, or cared, but I haven't been on here in a few days. Probably Malcolm was the only one who realized since we email far more often than I post here. I have been rather laid up for all of yesterday and some of today. I think I'm better now, though.


It started with another one of those dreams.


I was standing in darkness, alone and empty. It was nice though, peaceful. Like how I imagine dying will feel once this is all finally over. But I couldn't see even darker shapes moving through the darkness, and then something weirdly slimy was stroking down my arms. From the experience of other dreams like this I suppose it was those tentacles again. And there were voices all around, the screechy laughing from last time, but also soothing tones and whispered ones. It was hard to tell what they were saying, but I knew that they were good things even though the voices that said them scared me.


Then all of a sudden I burst into flame. A huge, raging bonfire all around me and its light beat back the shadows. They recoiled, their sweet words becoming hisses and screams. I could see the darkness better now than when I had been encased by it, and I looked out at it with interest. It seemed so small now, pushed back by my fiery shield.


And now the fire started whispering, and it only had one voice. About how it would protect me and love me. I almost believed it until something drove me to look down at myself. Even though I felt no heat from the fire around me, my body was burning and bubbling, melting off my bones. As I dissolved into a puddle I screamed for the cooling shadows to come back to me, but they couldn't penetrate the fire. The fire that saved me only to kill me.


I woke up sweating to find the most extensive of my wall decorations yet. It must have taken hours. I, or my body, had gathered together pieces of paper and burned them. Their ashes lay scattered about on the floor, but mostly I saw them finger painted on to my wall in the shape of a giant heart.


And Malcolm, I felt him right there, on the edge of my brain. I don't know how I knew but I felt him right there, about to take over. Everyone else who reads this, I'll explain soon, I just don't feel mentally up to it right now. So I stared at the ashen heart and I felt him growing like fire and then a huge black wave washed over me. Y'know, metaphorically. But I knew it was from Him.


The wave pushed the fire back deep down into where it came from and at the same time hit me with the strongest bout of slendersickness I have ever had. I was lucky I made it to the bathroom before I started vomiting uncontrollably. I was nauseous and had a splitting headache and I spent almost all of yesterday laid out on the bathroom floor, which is not how I like spending my weekends. At least my mom didn't send me to school today.

But the fire was gone. It was strange, almost purposeful. Like the sickness was sent to keep him from coming back. That's silly, though, right? I mean, why would he care? He wouldn't care that much about me.  

I hope my paint comes soon.  Or I'll run out of wall space and who knows where I'll draw next?

Unconsciously Gray

The drawing situation is getting worse. I close my eyes for a bit and when I open them again (what I think is seconds later) I've doodled all over my skin, my notebooks, my bedroom walls. Operator symbols, crude drawings, words sometimes. Usually about darkness, but sometimes about fire. I even snapped out of a nap yesterday to find myself gouging something into my desk with my pencil. I woke up too soon to try and figure out what it was going to say.


It started with “let m”. I have some pretty good assumptions of what it was the beginning of, but I'm trying not to think about it. The less I remember how screwed up I am the less scared I am. But that's basically a lost cause at this point. I'm both too screwed up and too scared.


I should start being less obvious about it, though. The last thing I want is for any of this to reach my mom. If she saw my graffiti covered room she'd send me back to the Hospital. Or she'd start trying to understand me. She's big hearted like that. And the last thing I'd want to do is infect her. She heard the details of what happened to Graham from the police report, I couldn't keep her from that, but she has no idea what caused it. And if I get to choose she never will.


So I should probably figure out how to sneak some paint in to my room to cover up the most obvious things. And I should start trying to get control over myself while I'm asleep. I don't even know where to start on that project, but it's an important one. I don't want to do anything serious while I'm not myself. And I don't like the feeling that I'm not in control of my body. I've had too much of that in my life.



I just feel so helpless to stop it. Why is this happening to me. I don't deserve this. Every time I walk to the bus stop I see Him, standing there, off in a patch of trees, staring at me. And smiling. I don't know how something without a mouth can smile, but I feel His smile like burning directly on my soul. It's very hard to breathe when He is around. No one can accurately describe that feeling.