Double Up Gray

I never wanted to be a writer when I was a kid.  I mean, I guess most people would still consider me a kid, but I don't feel like I have the capacity to think about what I want to be when I grow up.  Most of my former classmates are probably just preparing themselves to work towards their dream jobs, or at least starting to work towards their dream colleges but I'm never going to college.  It was unrealistic, money-wise back then and it's impossible now.

I wanted to be a fireman when I was really little, back when everything was still normal, which is disgustingly ironic.

But it's not worth trying to have dreams now.  I just have to live from breath to breath, and try to glean some joy from the anti-joke that is my life.  Like, what did the mentally broken boy hunted by a monster get for Christmas?  Being locked in a room with his mother's corpse.

Ha ha.  So funny.  I'm not very good at jokes.

But I'm horribly off topic.  I was trying to say that I never wanted to be a writer, but it's all I seem to do these days.  Case in point, I am now on another blog.  Miss Cordelia's blog, actually, but she wants all of us living with her to contribute.  I don't know how much I'm going to be able to "contribute" but I'll do it if she asks me to.

I'm still going to be posting on here, too.  Just, probably not so much the what happened as all those mushy gushy feelings that are the reason I have this blog which is kinda a diary as much as an obituary.  I know, ew, right?

Feel free to not read it cause hey, I hate my whiny feelings, so I bet you all are sick to death of them.  But there's more than just me on this new blog so it's probably better reading material.  God knows we may as well try to read something enjoyable while suffering.

Catch you later.

....Dust to Dust

I probably should have seen this coming.

I mean, it seems logical thinking back on it.  But maybe some part of me hoped for it.

This is Gray.  Alone.  Kor's gone.  I mean, not gone, he's still in my head right now, but he no longer has a physical form.  It's just the one of us.  Like always.  

The plan worked, I guess, so that's the plus side.  I'm out of my kitchen.  The factor I did not account for is the fact that starting a fire inside my house may be a bad idea in the long run.  It spread from the body to the walls and that was about when I felt the loop break down.  I don't know how I knew, I just felt something change in my chest like a loosening of a muscle I didn't know I was clenching.  And then The Kor's body vanished.  And the air got a less fuzzy quality to it, like I was seeing the real world not a perfectly copied replica.  

Oh, and my friendly buzzing is back.  Though not so bad that I'm curled up in the fetal position like before.

So I was out of the loop, but my house was also kind of on fire.  I grabbed my backpack and threw in a few things and ran out and now I am posting this while watching the last of my life burn to the ground.  It's kind of a humbling feeling, realizing how little my life amounted to.  A pile of ashes.  Fifteen years and I'm back to square one.

The current total of my life possessions are the clothes on my back, a jacket and hat, my phone, my laptop, a bag of goldfish crackers, a change of underwear, a knife, a picture of my mom, an old pack of gum and the backpack that carries it all.

You know what?  Screw it, I have no dignity left to preserve.  My stuffed rabbit Dorian too.  Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed animal at fifteen and yes I made him a priority to grab as I escaped from my burning house.  Call me a girl or a baby or whatever.  I don't care.  I figure that in the future I may want something to guard against nightmares.

And, yes, if you were wondering, He is here.  He's standing in the forest behind my house (can I still call it my house?) just kinda watching me.  At least He's giving me my personal space.  Oh, He vanished.  I feel bad for whoever He's off to pay a visit.  No sign of the proxy who made the loop.

It's so cold here.  It became the dead of winter outside in what seemed like a couple of hours for me.  I wish I had been able to grab some gloves.  Winters are always killer up here, but this one feels especially cold, even so close to the fire.  Up here?  This is so stupid.  Jessica found me despite how careful I thought I was being.  Maine.  I live in Maine.  And it's cold here.  I'm cold.

Oh no, now all the bad guys know where I live.  Well come and kill me if you feel like it.  I don't really care.  Maybe Kor cares, but it's me right now, and I don't care.

I better start walking.  It's a long way into town and I should find somewhere to sleep before it gets dark.