I've been reading
a bunch of the slenderblogs on here in the spare time I spend curled
in the corner of my room and I have to say, you're all amazing. This
happens to you, this horrible thing, and the first thing you all
think is how to help others. You're going out and fighting, you're
experimenting and learning, risking your lives to take down this
monster. Or even just keeping up your courage and leaving biting
comments for the slender followers (proxies?) that try and harass
your blogs.
What do I do? I
do nothing. I wait for death. I'm not strong or smart or clever.
I'm useless, and while you all will thrive in adversity and further
the cause, my death will mean nothing. I am a spark that never
became a flame before it was snuffed out. I spend my time in the
corner of my room in despair. I write on here not to help others but
to help myself. I offer no advice. I offer no encouragement or
learning. I only offer my useless self and who wants that.
Now I'm being
depressing. All of you who are actually trying don't need this on
top of everything else bringing you down. Maybe I should just end it
now. I fear Him killing me, I fear Him catching me and killing me
for Himself, but it wouldn't be so scary if I did it. I could make
it painless. I spent so much of my life before now, wishing that I
could commit suicide rather than do the things I did. But I couldn't
then. I can now. I have a choice that I never had before, and I
could take it and choose to be free.
I don't know. I am a coward. I escaped from one monster to the
next. It was my fault for thinking my life could ever be anything
better. God gives us all destinies, mine is not a happy one. I
blame myself. I blame myself for existing.
Because, if you give up, you'll be letting life win. Take this challenge: live life. That alone is a great thing to do. It is the most brave thing you can do.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, I know. I have thought of suicide before.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll be there.
Please do not kill yourself. Please.
DeleteI don't see how it would affect you either way. But no, I don't think I'll kill myself now. Maybe when the pain becomes enough that it would be a release rather than a cowardly retreat. That sounds good.
DeleteTrue, it does not affect me, but I don't want anyone else to die.
DeleteBut it'll be your choice, to end it.
Once again, my mind is puzzled. How can you say that you're weak, not smart and useless, without even trying to be strong, smart and useful? You offer no advice, you don't need to offer no advice, you think most people start out immediately by giving advice? No. A lot of people start out like you, doubting themselves, look at those people now, they end up trying to survive.
ReplyDeleteYou're judging yourself without any basis. Why not try and fight? Your prolonged survival can actually help people out, you might stumble upon something interesting, which I can take notice of and then research it. That something might helps us figure out what makes those creatures tick.
The chances of you stumbling onto something like that are very slim, yet, those are still chances.
You think you already have answers about yourself, but you didn't bother to ask questions.
Well, that's just wonderful to know. If you check back in a year from now and I've become some kind of guru, leading the way into the future then I'll let you have your 'I told you so'. But right now you've never met me. I have spent more time with me than I would ever want to, and I have a pretty good idea of who I am.
DeleteSo lay off, I don't need false hope, I need reality no matter how much reality is shit for me right now.
I started off with no idea of anything. Try and find someone nearby who does know. Team up with them, you can learn a lot.
ReplyDeleteAnd there's no such thing as 'destiny' or 'fate.' Trust me, I broken away from what mine was supposed to be many times.
grey, i know how you feel, when i read the old blogs of M and Zeke, i thought i lost everything, then i found j, i thought she had died and that i was the last one, i may not seem like it, but i do try to encourage those who have given up on living with him in there world, i offer you to try and do parkour in your house/ room, it helps take the mind off things and it helps keep you fit incase of escape, i told jennifer to try it and she is now doing it.
ReplyDeletepractice to become something and you will become it
Edward.
Thanks, but I'm going to have to turn that one down. My daily exercise is working up the willpower to get out of bed and go to school. I'm not exactly the "parkour" type. I'm glad if it works for you, but I'm going to spend my time before my inevitable death in as much comfort as I can. Not jumping all over the room like a crazy video game character.
DeleteThe video game of my life would be boring and disappointingly short.
still, you should not give up, that is like saying your not a human, no matter how depressed we humans get we know it is in our humanity to keep living, while it is also to be remembered, you are human grey, no matter what, you should not just let your self give up, as i once heard, pain is temporary, but glory is eternal.
Deleteyou cant just let him win, then you wouldn't be dead, you would be wishing you where.