I had to walk home from school today. Some bullies stole my math notebook that I need for homework and decided to play keep away with it. That kind of thing doesn't usually happen to me, mostly just being ignored and stared at as I pass by in the hallways. Whispers and pointed looks, you know? I'm used to that kind of thing. Most people aren't brash enough to approach me directly like this.
I was honestly more worried that they would open the notebook and see what I had drawn inside and become infected. Even idiots like that don't deserve the disease I could give them. It's bad enough me still going to school. Like leading the piper to the children.
So I jumped around a bit until they got bored of my tears and dumped my notebook in the trashcan. By then it was far too late to catch the bus. My English teacher offered to drive me home. I like to think the sentiment would be there for any student with tear streaks down his face clutching a dirty notebook, but I know that the teachers have been instructed to handle me like I'm fragile. I can tell in the way they look at me, and speak in especially soft tones. As if I would break with words. They're not worried for me, they're worried about me.
I don't blame them though. I turned the ride down. I lied that I lived close enough to walk. I put everyone here in enough danger by existing, the last thing I want to do is get closer to anyone.
I only just got home now. I'm tired and my head hurts. And the whole way home I saw Him with His terrifying somehow-smiling lack of a face. I live in the middle of a forest, it's only a matter of time.
The best I can do for the world is to hide myself away from it. They deal with the most contagious diseases with quarantine, right? I wonder how much longer I'll be able to keep going to school. Even now it's only for the semblance of normalcy. It doesn't mean anything anymore, I have no future to prepare for.
It doesn't matter what you know when you're buried, everyone's the same kind of dead. It's only a matter of time.
Hate maths. Two boys used to sit behind me and pick on me constantly. Sorry you had a shit day.
ReplyDeleteYou might think it's hopeless. But if you do nothing, you KNOW it's hopeless. But if you do something, there's at least the possibility that anything else could happen.
I think somewhere along the way I forgot how to hope. I don't remember how it feels, if I ever knew. I try, it just doesn't happen.
DeleteMaybe it's because I do know that it's hopeless. I'm working on coming to terms with that rather than trying to fool myself into believing there's something to hope for.
But if there was a chance for anything else, would it not be wise to take it?
DeleteI look at it this way: what do I have to lose? There is nothing more people could take from me.
Okay, it won't be okay. Fine, I admit it.
ReplyDeleteWhat else am I supposed to say? More lies. Just fucking lies.
I would kill myself too, you know. But apparently, people need me, for some reason. School is pointless, for people like you, but at least it is a distraction. I wish I could help, I really do. But I guess I can't. I'm sorry.
Just know I care. Cause I do, okay?
Knowledge is never pointless. The more you learn the better equipped you are to live. Even if the subject matter does not seem relevant.
ReplyDelete