Insomniac Gray

I see lots of you putting up dreams on your blogs, thinking that maybe they mean something. I had a dream last night, a nightmare that I can't seem to get out of my head. Maybe by writing it down here I can at least escape from it a little.

I was falling into a fire from a great height, and as I got closer I could feel its heat crackling on my skin. All around the shadows cast by the blaze were dancing and screaming, like cheering fans. Just as I was about to swan dive into the fire, I was caught by black tentacles that wrapped around my arms and legs. The fire was so intense I felt myself bubbling and swelling and melting. The fire reached up and spoke to me.

It said: “Come to me and I will save you from the darkness”

And the tentacles had no voice, but I felt words in my head, like weights directly on my brain.

They said: “Come with me and I will save you from the light”

I woke up screaming, and barely managed to get to the door of my room in time to lock it. We have a strict no locked doors policy in our house, but when I reassured my mom from the other side that I was totally fine she let me off with a warning. I couldn't let her in because when I woke up I saw the wall behind my bed was spotted with operator symbols. And very small in the corner (I almost didn't see it), the words “the fire will come to you”.  I must be sleep writing now.  My life gets better and better.

She'd send me back to the hospital if she saw this. I'd send me back to the hospital. This is breaking my head. I think I may stop taking my meds. Mixing drugs and Slender mind fucks seems like a bad idea.  

Hopefully I can get a little bit more sleep, I have to be up for school in a few hours.

Useless Gray

I've been reading a bunch of the slenderblogs on here in the spare time I spend curled in the corner of my room and I have to say, you're all amazing. This happens to you, this horrible thing, and the first thing you all think is how to help others. You're going out and fighting, you're experimenting and learning, risking your lives to take down this monster. Or even just keeping up your courage and leaving biting comments for the slender followers (proxies?) that try and harass your blogs.

What do I do? I do nothing. I wait for death. I'm not strong or smart or clever. I'm useless, and while you all will thrive in adversity and further the cause, my death will mean nothing. I am a spark that never became a flame before it was snuffed out. I spend my time in the corner of my room in despair. I write on here not to help others but to help myself. I offer no advice. I offer no encouragement or learning. I only offer my useless self and who wants that.

Now I'm being depressing. All of you who are actually trying don't need this on top of everything else bringing you down. Maybe I should just end it now. I fear Him killing me, I fear Him catching me and killing me for Himself, but it wouldn't be so scary if I did it. I could make it painless. I spent so much of my life before now, wishing that I could commit suicide rather than do the things I did. But I couldn't then. I can now. I have a choice that I never had before, and I could take it and choose to be free.

I don't know. I am a coward. I escaped from one monster to the next. It was my fault for thinking my life could ever be anything better. God gives us all destinies, mine is not a happy one.  I blame myself.   I blame myself for existing.

Gray

Hello.  My name is Gray.  It’s not really, but I’ve been taught to not give away personal information on the internet, so you guys can call me that.  It’s an old nickname, not a pleasant one, but I’ve gotten over it.   I'm here, fleeing to the internet because I have recently discovered that something I thought was a dumb story is not actually a story.  In fact, I bet He is outside my window right now.  That’d be just my luck.

I don’t want to open the blinds to check.

Trust me, I put the whole experience down as a psychotic episode at first too, but I happened to have seen some….evidence that left me quite ready to believe.  And so even though I don’t trust my own mind anymore, I do believe that I really saw Him.  And that He will kill me.   It’s hard even for my mind to come up with a hallucination that bone-chillingly terrifying.  Trust me, my mind has tried.

I was introduced (ha, funny word. Funny word that does not at all explain the situation.) to this whole Slenderman concept about a month back, while I was in a Hospital.   The boy who “introduced” it to me is no longer here.   But I don’t want to get into that.   I’m sure I’ll tell Graham’s story on here at some point, but not now.   Unless I die, in which case you will all be left unfulfilled.

Who am I kidding, no one cares what I’m putting up here.   I am joining the ranks of these bloggers I found as a desperate attempt to leave something behind in my meaningless and now soon to be brief existence. I’m pathetic.

But writing distracts me from the hellhole that is life, so blogging it is.   I’ve never been much good at talking to people.   Please, feel free to ignore me.   I will likely mean nothing to you.   Or to anyone in the long run.  It’s fine though, cause I’ll be gone soon.   Like smoke.  Like gray smoke.